Change. The very word makes me shudder. And if you say it again, I'll probably start feeling nauseous. Oh, I wish I were joking. I'm absolutely not.
I'm the girl with a plan. People who know me well know you don't mess with the plan. Don't change the plan. Please.
This "gift" -- I'm learning to speak kindly to and about myself -- has served me well in some arenas. For example, my planning abilities come in handy when I have 50 Avon orders to deliver in only a handful of hours. Or, when it comes time to plan the next homeschool term for my kids, I can whip out a calendar and map out lessons in no time. And, if it's on the sheet, it's going to get done.
But the planning can also make me, well, a little rigid. Planning doesn't leave much room for spontaneous adjustments, whether that's an unforeseen blizzard on delivery day or a kid who needs a break from multiplication tables. And planning almost entirely negates any chance for supernatural intervention and ends up in conversations between me and God that go something like this:
"Kristy, I'd like you to put that to-do list down and come be with me."
"Okay, God, that's great! How's tomorrow at 2:17 p.m.? I have 3 minutes to sit and do nothing."
And then I swear I hear a great big heavenly sigh.
But as 2015 ended, I sensed God was trying to change me. I won't sugarcoat it. I fought him. Dug in hard. But I felt like He was saying, "Remember how back in 2014, you asked me to take you 'deeper than [your] feet could ever wander'? Well, I can't do that if you don't change."
So, I made the changes. I laid down what He asked me to lay down.
And it hurt.
Because even though I had tremendous peace with my decision and knew that it promised me a new perspective on life, putting these changes into action was hard. It hurt to tell customer-friends goodbye. Many times I cried as I drove, alone in my Avon-laden car, and called out to God, "Why do you want me to do this? It's hard! It hurts! I don't want to!"
And then these words would come to me: "I'm on the throne. Stop holding on and just be held."
Deep breath. Peace. "Okay, God, I'm letting go." Not picking up what Heís asked me to lay down. Not looking for something new to pick up either. And when I feel like everything is crumbling around me? Thatís when I sense His nearness and hear His voice. And I'm pretty sure He's telling me everything is falling right into place.
What change is God calling you to this year? Is change hard for you? Why?